The Elephant in the Room

It's the last picture

I have of them

on my phone.

I took it

at the Santa Ana Zoo

and it was

one of the last times

we were together 

as a family.

I don't talk about him

because there is

not much to say.

Or at least...

not much that is not

tainted by my anger,

sadness,

and resentment.

We were together

on and off for 

almost 5 years

and most of it

was horrible.

The only light...

our beautiful son.

I was my ugliest 

with him.

The most dishonest,

the most insecure,

the most demanding,

the most lost.

And our break-up

was long.

And it claimed 

more hearts

than our own.

I have not known

how to deal

with such 

consistent hostility.

He spews hateful words

in response to simple questions.

Continues to attack me

as a mother.

Fails to meet 

financial obligations.

And still blames me.

In his eyes

it's has always

been me.

And sometimes I wonder

if he even knows

why he hates me.

I took the bait

for so long.

Signed up

for every fight

he sent my way.

I don't do that anymore

but it's still zero fun.

I have asked

for co-parenting counseling.

Outside help to assist

our navigating 

this odd dynamic.

But he refuses.

I hate who we are

as parents.

Paul and I 

did not have

a custody order

until Lucas was 4.

Even then

most of it stated 

that decisions 

would be left to us 

to deal with

on a case by case basis.

The lawyer said

we were the easiest

custody case

she had ever seen.

Even when we

didn't like each other,

we were still able

to discuss and agree upon

schooling, vacations, sports,

and the like.

This is not 

the case with James.

With this round

I stay in bed at night

on the verge of a panic attack

worrying about

how we are failing our son.

He starts school in September,

and if we are not speaking,

how will his homework get checked 

and weekend projects completed?

How will we manage

any discipline issues?

How will we sit

in parent-teacher conferences?

James can be 

so sensitive

and so unsure of himself.

I worry that he

feels unstable

and insecure.

I want to fix it.

I want to love him enough.

I wish we were capable

of a friendly exchange.

An open dialogue.

Really the elephant in the room

is not James' dad,

it is my feeling of failing my son.

It is my awkward silence

when Lucas asks,

"Mom...

why can't my dad

be James' dad?"

What can I possibly say?