Sunday, October 7, 2012

On Marriage

Calm down
no one's getting married any time soon,
let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Had I gotten married at any point in my 20s
it would have been solely because
I wanted to throw a party.

I wanted a wedding
not a marriage.

The idea of forever and ever
was colored by a fantasy pen;
all pretty dresses and flowers
and presents.

Lots of presents.

I finally broke the news to my mom
that the time for elaborate plans
and insanity has come to a close.

If anyone decides to put a ring on it,
it'll be in a backyard
or a forest.

I would say that up until recently
I had no idea of what a relationship was made of
let alone a marriage.

No clue about a partnership
or maturity
or unselfishness.

Me: Party of 1
all day every day.

When I got pregnant with James
his dad made a half-hearted proposal
while I sat on his lap at my kitchen table.

" you want to?"

"Yeah.  I guess."

I spent the next two weeks 
researching elopement
and the Santa Barbara courthouse
and finally decided 
that I just couldn't do it 
without my parents.

And so the idea was tabled until we imploded
and never got back there again.

He didn't want to marry me.

I wanted to marry him,
but only to save face.

Like somehow if I was married
you wouldn't see that I had gotten pregnant accidentally.


Or that I was in a failing relationship
and it was unraveling 
and I felt like a fraud.

I think about how sure I was that I wanted
to be married to my first love
at the ripe ol' age of 18.

It makes me laugh.

How positive I was that everyone was crazy
when they said 
we'd be completely different people in our 20s
and 30s and so on.

I know a few couples who make it look really easy.

And I also know a few divorcees.

I have nothing but admiration for my friends
who took the leap young,
but I feel pretty far from it at present.

It's seems that the happier I am in my relationship
the less I feel a drive to validate it to others and myself.

Because I see now that all this time
I only saw marriage as a way to show the outside world
that I was loved and worthy
and I don't have to do that right now.

Because I have the blessing of contentment
and it is 

And it's way better
than that ridiculous Robbins Bros. ring I picked out
two lifetimes ago.