Saturday, September 7, 2013


10 and a half years ago I tried to kill myself.

I had a number of chemicals
coursing through my body
and I was
 sad and scared
and I meant it.

The details of that night are some
of the scariest skeletons
in my closet.

My most shameful.

Because I am a mother now
and I still haven't forgiven myself
for what I did
to mine
that night.

I spent three days
in a mental hospital
after that.

I know what it is like
to have your shoelaces taken away.

All plastic mirrors
and group therapy.

What it is to feel
utterly shell-shocked,
wholly regretful,
and vulnerable.

Those days
were some of the darkest of my life.

And they were also the beginning.

The beginning of my journey
with a bunch of strangers
who knew exactly who I was
and what I needed.

I left the hospital and landed in
coffee-filled rooms
and smoke-filled hallways,
listened to
speakers of a language I didn't know
but fully understood.

Men and women
from completely
different walks of life
that have led me
and followed me.

Have watched
as I continually fell to pieces
and never tired of
collecting the jagged shards of me
or glueing them back together.

They saved my life.

And then they helped me grow up.

I am not ashamed of my past,
who I was and what I did,
because we all have a story
and this one is mine.

That girl still lives within me
but her demons are quiet now.

10 and a half years ago
I put my head down and
put one foot in front of the other
and it has not been perfect
and I have made so many mistakes,
but today marks 5 years.

5 years
of a totally present
and sober mind.

5 years
of ups and downs
and lessons and life
and I didn't have to check out
not even for 1 second.

The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction
runs rampant through my family.

It affects people from all walks of life and
it tore through mine
when I was just 19 years old.

10 and a half years later,
5 years under my belt,
2 beautiful boys,
a man I adore,
parents that are proud of me,
the best of friends,
a career
and a home
and most importantly
a quiet head
and a joyful heart.

Dear 19 year old Christina
sitting in the mental ward
crying into her pillow,

It's gonna be so good one day sweetheart.
It's gonna be so good you won't even believe it.
Be gentle with yourself.

30 year old Christina


  1. I needed this.

    You inspire. Keep on, sister. Keep ON!

    1. Soul sister

      Thank you for always reading and being so supportive. Sending you so much love.