Monday, May 13, 2013

Dream Makers

A few weeks ago
Lucas and I were driving home
when fun.'s "Carry On"
started playing on the radio.

He loves that song
so I turned it up
and we began to sing it
at the top of our lungs

"...If you're lost and alone.."

like a ghost from the past,
I remembered.

New Year's Eve night

6 months pregnant with James
5 days after I'd asked his father to leave.

"...Or you're sinking like a stone..."

I had gone to bed early
wanting to sleep through midnight.
I was so sad
and felt I had nothing to celebrate.

2008 was already breaking my heart.

At midnight
the cheers and fireworks
and welcoming of a new year
pulled me from my dreamless sleep.

I laid there,
one arm around Lucas
while the other held my belly
and I began to sob.

A deep, smothering sadness
pulled tears from my eyes
and forced my shoulders to shake.

When my mom came into to kiss us
she found me crying,
threw her arms around me
and whispered,
"It's going to be ok honey,
you're going to be ok."

But I didn't believe her.

"...Carry on..."

Every Mother's Day
since Lucas was born
has been bittersweet.

I've made it about my mom
and tried to enjoy my children,
but I'd be a liar
if I didn't admit that celebrating
without the boys' fathers
always hurt.

Holidays always made me feel
like I'd failed
at making a family.

"...May your past be the sound..."

As Lucas and I sang
down the 605 freeway
I began to cry.

Not out of sadness
but out of joy.

Because I remember
that New Years Eve
like it was yesterday.

I remember feeling
and hopeless
like I'd never get it right.

"...Of your feet upon the ground..."

Saturday night
as we kissed the boys goodnight,
me to Lucas,
Paul to James
and then a switch,
I heard Paul whispering to them about
Mother's Day.

I didn't know what they had planned,
but knew there was nothing I could want
that I don't already have.

"...carry on..."

I awoke yesterday
to bright faces
and breakfast in bed.

Opened crayon decorated packages
to paintings and drawings and handprints.

I got to sit in bed
with coffee and the paper
while Paul manned the kids
and the house.

We went to Ports O'Call
and ate seafood
and snowcones
and I'm just so love in love
with these guys
I could just melt
into a puddle.

We spent the rest of the day
with family
and ended at home
where I discovered
the newly erected planter
and freshly tilled soil
Paul gifted me.

Because I've been talking about
vegetables and snapdragons
and a zillion hopes
for that little corner on our patio
and he made it happen.

Nothing could make my life sweeter.

This life with my three guys
is beyond
my dreams.

"Not me," I thought for so many years.

Girls like me
don't get the happy ending.
But sometimes,
we do.