You Are Nine

You are tall and lanky.

Eyes the color of chocolate

and permanently tousled hair.

You still crawl into my lap

to watch America's Funniest Home Videos

and your belly laugh

has a domino effect on me.

On Monday you asked if I had heard

about the tragedy in Boston

and then we talked about it.

You said it made you feel confused

and interested and scared

and I didn't know what to say

because it made me feel

all of those things too.

And I didn't have an answer to why

but I wanted you to know that

when terrible things happen

you will always see some good.

There will always be people

who run toward the madness

just so they can help.

There will always be light

and humanity

and for your gentle heart

as with mine

this will offer some peace.

It was our first conversation

about a worldly event

and I found your maturing insight

fascinating and a little sad

because my ability to shield you

lessens more every day.

You lie in bed reading chapter books

and lecture me on the perils of smoking

and I'm mourning the ticking clock

of the little boy years.

Where is my tree climbing

mud slinging rascal?

He's there in your lanky limbs

and broadening shoulders.

He's in your silly jokes

and comforting squeeze

on your little brother's

tantrum throwing shrug.

We have the life I've always wanted for us.

We share a home with your dad and brother

and I tell you all of the time

that I feel happiest

when we are all together.

Feel luckiest

piled on the couch

with my best guys.

The two boys

who handed me the map to joy

and the man

who loves us best.

It is a great life.

A magical life.

And it is all because of you.

I couldn't be me without you.

We couldn't be us.

The story began with you Lucas.

It started with you,

my first mate

and copilot.

You are my north star.

 In the rockiest of waters

you steered us

into the safe harbor.

And before anything else

there was you.

Grandma always said

her wishes

for Uncle Gregory and I

were to have strong roots in who we are

and the wings to fly.

Roots and wings.

Those are my wishes for you too.

My sweet Pan,

This life is frightening and exhilarating

frustrating and joyful.

You will feel and know

all of these things

and because

you are so much like me,

you will feel them deeply.

It is a blessing and curse,

this empathetic spirit of ours,

but it makes

for astounding love and beauty.

Kindred spirits you and I,

forever and ever.

Love that smile baby bird.

Happy nine.

Love,

Mom

My Jamester

I knew I was pregnant with you

on a Sunday morning in August.  

Four years to the day

that I had found out 

I was pregnant 

with your brother.

I don't know how or why

but I just did.

We went to the fair that night
and rode all of the rollercoasters
and I ate deep fried oreos.

One of my favorite pictures
of your dad and I
was taken in a photo booth
that same night. 

We are laughing
and you are there too.

Those months were hard months.

You grew in my belly
beneath my broken heart
and tangled breath
and much of those days
are a blur.

But the night you were born
I woke up.

***

Earlier that week

I had been dismissed 

from the hospital

for false labor,

so that Sunday
I refused to go back

until I knew for certain

that you were really coming.

When I was admitted at 11:30pm
it was too late for an epidural

and so you came into the world

quickly and loudly

at 12:46am on April 7th.

Mine and your screams filling the air
on the same date as Clinton's birthday
at the same hour and minute as your brother
who had also been born at 12:46.

Seven pounds
and seven ounces
on the 7th.

777

My new lucky charm.

They brought you to me,

placed you in my arms

and the moment our eyes met,

I knew we were meant to be.

Later that morning

Grandma brought Lucas

and we sang you happy birthday

over a candle lit cupcake

and I sat there

on the hospital bed

with both of you on my lap

and we were whole.

You had been

the missing puzzle piece

and I hadn't even known it.

***

James Maddox,

My curly-haired sweetheart.

Master of make-believe.

Conductor of giant emotions.

You are funny and fiery

and greet me hello

with an enthusiasm

that feeds my heart.

You are sweet voiced and gentle,

tender hearted,

and tempermental.

My sweet boy...

Sometimes at night I creep into

your room

to watch you sleep.

Becoming drunk

on the small hand

that still grips my finger.

The soft breath,

peaceful face

and curled eyelashes

of the one

who brought the sun.

Happy 5th birthday my love.

You are wonderous and amazing

and I don't know how we ever lived

without you.

Love,

Mommy