Wednesday, April 17, 2013

You Are Nine

You are tall and lanky.

Eyes the color of chocolate
and permanently tousled hair.

You still crawl into my lap
to watch America's Funniest Home Videos
and your belly laugh
has a domino effect on me.

On Monday you asked if I had heard
about the tragedy in Boston
and then we talked about it.

You said it made you feel confused
and interested and scared
and I didn't know what to say
because it made me feel
all of those things too.

And I didn't have an answer to why
but I wanted you to know that
when terrible things happen
you will always see some good.

There will always be people
who run toward the madness
just so they can help.

There will always be light
and humanity
and for your gentle heart
as with mine
this will offer some peace.

It was our first conversation
about a worldly event
and I found your maturing insight
fascinating and a little sad
because my ability to shield you
lessens more every day.

You lie in bed reading chapter books
and lecture me on the perils of smoking
and I'm mourning the ticking clock
of the little boy years.

Where is my tree climbing
mud slinging rascal?

He's there in your lanky limbs
and broadening shoulders.

He's in your silly jokes
and comforting squeeze
on your little brother's
tantrum throwing shrug.

We have the life I've always wanted for us.

We share a home with your dad and brother
and I tell you all of the time
that I feel happiest
when we are all together.

Feel luckiest
piled on the couch
with my best guys.

The two boys
who handed me the map to joy
and the man
who loves us best.

It is a great life.

A magical life.

And it is all because of you.

I couldn't be me without you.

We couldn't be us.

The story began with you Lucas.

It started with you,
my first mate
and copilot.

You are my north star.

 In the rockiest of waters
you steered us
into the safe harbor.

And before anything else
there was you.

Grandma always said
her wishes
for Uncle Gregory and I
were to have strong roots in who we are
and the wings to fly.

Roots and wings.

Those are my wishes for you too.

My sweet Pan,

This life is frightening and exhilarating
frustrating and joyful.

You will feel and know
all of these things
and because
you are so much like me,
you will feel them deeply.

It is a blessing and curse,
this empathetic spirit of ours,
but it makes
for astounding love and beauty.

Kindred spirits you and I,
forever and ever.

Love that smile baby bird.

Happy nine.


Friday, April 5, 2013

My Jamester

I knew I was pregnant with you
on a Sunday morning in August.  

Four years to the day
that I had found out 
I was pregnant 
with your brother.

I don't know how or why
but I just did.

We went to the fair that night
and rode all of the rollercoasters
and I ate deep fried oreos.

One of my favorite pictures
of your dad and I
was taken in a photo booth
that same night. 

We are laughing
and you are there too.

Those months were hard months.

You grew in my belly
beneath my broken heart
and tangled breath
and much of those days
are a blur.

But the night you were born
I woke up.


Earlier that week
I had been dismissed 
from the hospital
for false labor,
so that Sunday
I refused to go back
until I knew for certain
that you were really coming.

When I was admitted at 11:30pm
it was too late for an epidural
and so you came into the world
quickly and loudly
at 12:46am on April 7th.

Mine and your screams filling the air
on the same date as Clinton's birthday
at the same hour and minute as your brother
who had also been born at 12:46.

Seven pounds
and seven ounces
on the 7th.


My new lucky charm.

They brought you to me,
placed you in my arms
and the moment our eyes met,
I knew we were meant to be.

Later that morning
Grandma brought Lucas
and we sang you happy birthday
over a candle lit cupcake
and I sat there
on the hospital bed
with both of you on my lap
and we were whole.

You had been
the missing puzzle piece
and I hadn't even known it.


James Maddox,

My curly-haired sweetheart.

Master of make-believe.

Conductor of giant emotions.

You are funny and fiery
and greet me hello
with an enthusiasm
that feeds my heart.

You are sweet voiced and gentle,
tender hearted,
and tempermental.

My sweet boy...

Sometimes at night I creep into
your room
to watch you sleep.

Becoming drunk
on the small hand
that still grips my finger.
The soft breath,
peaceful face
and curled eyelashes
of the one
who brought the sun.

Happy 5th birthday my love.

You are wonderous and amazing
and I don't know how we ever lived
without you.