Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Other Side

It's funny that
this post comes immediately after
I publicly professed my love,
but sometimes life is just
like that.

I feel like I come here often
when things are good.
When I'm on the sunnier side,
after the storm has passed.

I guess I'm just more inspired
when I feel that hope
springs eternal.

That fuck yeah!
life's tough
but look at us,
we get through it.
All holding hands and
skipping into the sunset.

But it's not always like that,
it's really shitty 
around here.

I feel like
I'm drowning.

like this morning,
I look at my relationship
and think,


One more thing I'm terrible at.

One more thing to fail at.

And everyone else's marriage/relationship
looks so perfect and happy
and some days mine is SOFUCKINGHARD
and I just feel really sad.

Even though
intellectually I know
I'm watching you
through an Instagram filter,
that you are not me
and your partner is not mine,
and your life is not ours,
and if you never fight
and get along splendidly
every second of your life
then I'm jealous
but no,
I can't relate.

I've never been in a serious,
monogomous relationship
as long as I've been in this one.

I've never lived with anyone
so I'm in total 
unchartered territory

I feel like I'm starting to understand
why marriages fail.

It's not always the big stuff;
not always infidelity
or financial dishonesty.

it's day in and day out
of the little, nagging shit.

I swear what will do us in
is the godforsaken dishes.

Or the clutter.

Or that he's a major night owl
and sometimes I'd just like to go to bed
with my boyfriend.

Or that I hate my job
and sometimes
I'm pretty unpleasant
when I come home.

It's like how
a slow, constant
drip of water
can crack a boulder.

It'll be the selling of
my happy, fun, sunshiney soul
for the sexless, nagging troll
I feel like I'm fastly becoming.

It'll be too many days
where I don't like who I am.

We slept on opposite sides
of the bed last night.
6 inches of mattress between us
that might has well have been
a cavernous trench full of alligators
the way we stayed on our respective sides.

Oh we'll never go to bed angry
I used to think.

How naive.

The more I stared at his back
the more I wanted to stab him.

And it's been like this
every few weeks
for the last few months.

Perfectly wonderful
days, nights, afternoons
will come to a screeching halt
and there's a bull in our china shop
and I can't tell who the bull is,
but it goes without saying
that there's a clean up in aisle 9.

We keep treading water,
keep apologizing,
and then some other bowling ball of life
tears me down.

We are opposites in a lot of ways
and while that can be an asset,
it can also be a liability,
and the reality of that
is pretty tough to swallow.

Maybe that's why
we're not married.
It's still too scary
to close off that escape route.

I always say no one is going anywhere
that we live on a broad highway,
but I'd be a liar
if I didn't say sometimes I feel
and he looks
like going out for groceries
and never coming back
sounds like a good plan.

I'm pretty sure if Tibetan monestaries
had good wifi
Paul would disappear forever.

I have knots in my stomach
right now.

Not so much because I'm angry
which I still am
but mostly because I don't like
fighting with my best friend.

Relationships are hard.

Relationships with kids are hard.

Relationships with kids and bills
and opposite schedules
and different personalities
are what nightmares
and sitcoms are made of.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Steady Love

Last night we were working
on a homework project,
Lucas and I at the kitchen table,
James singing to himself in the living room,
Paul gone to work,
when Lucas blurted out,
"Mom, my dad is so sweet to you.
You have no idea how much he loves you."

And I knew in my heart
that he was right.
Like a love letter from the universe,
true words from the mouth of a babe.


Fourteen years ago
Paul was my very 1st real Valentine.

We were seniors in high school
and had been on a few dates.

He had only just kissed me
a few days before.

A painfully delayed occurance
that had me telling my parents
that maybe he didn't like me.

He had paged me
yeah kids we didn't always have cell phones
"Happy Valentine's Day"
early that morning
but said nothing more.

I remember driving home from school
jealously eyeing
the balloons and roses
that seemed to be riding shotgun
in every other girl's car.

That boy ended up
surprising me hours later,
coming to my house
bearing gifts of flowers
and clothes his sister
had helped him pick out,
a cd he'd burned
 and a card.

He drove me to Powder Puff practice
and I never made it out of the car.
Make Out Party '00!
I rushed onto the field at the end
and pretended I'd been there the entire time
while my dad (the coach)
looked at me sideways.

There is nothing
like your first sweet love.


This morning I walked into my office
and came upon a simple bouquet of flowers
and a card.

Paul had stopped by
on his way home from work
and arranged them on my desk.

I really, truly was not expecting
anything like that.

And you know what,
that's just like him.
He of the
quiet, simple, gentle love.

What's the word?


What do you call
the girl who loved the boy,
lived a lifetime
and then became
the woman who loves the man?

He nuzzled my neck at Prom
and now we sit next to one another
in our living room,
coffee table littered
with the children's books and toys,
watching "True Detective".

There are a million stories and lessons
between then and now,
but I so adore being here
in this chapter,
with this guy by my side.


What a silly thing
to write you a love note for all to see,
but I must. 

Thank you for being here with me now,
in this life,
with these kids,
and these bills,
and this house,
and these jobs.

Thank you for being a great dad,
for being a great step-dad,
for being both in such a way
that the boy's can't tell the difference.

Thank you for loving me so incredibly,
that I can feel safe,
that I can feel sane,
that I can feel heard.

Thank you for being a better cook than me,
for downloading "I Love Lucy" for me,
for being my co-hort,
my favorite lead adventurer,
the supporter of all my schemes and ideas,
the texter of all things hilarious and/or kitten related.

Happy Valentine's Day
my love.

Thank you for choosing me.

He and I

When words run dry,
he does not try,
nor do I.

We are on par.

He just is,
I just am.
and we just are.

Lang Leav

I've never known
such peace.