Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Other Side

It's funny that
this post comes immediately after
I publicly professed my love,
but sometimes life is just
like that.

I feel like I come here often
when things are good.
When I'm on the sunnier side,
after the storm has passed.

I guess I'm just more inspired
when I feel that hope
springs eternal.

That fuck yeah!
life's tough
but look at us,
we get through it.
All holding hands and
skipping into the sunset.

But it's not always like that,
it's really shitty 
around here.

I feel like
I'm drowning.

like this morning,
I look at my relationship
and think,


One more thing I'm terrible at.

One more thing to fail at.

And everyone else's marriage/relationship
looks so perfect and happy
and some days mine is SOFUCKINGHARD
and I just feel really sad.

Even though
intellectually I know
I'm watching you
through an Instagram filter,
that you are not me
and your partner is not mine,
and your life is not ours,
and if you never fight
and get along splendidly
every second of your life
then I'm jealous
but no,
I can't relate.

I've never been in a serious,
monogomous relationship
as long as I've been in this one.

I've never lived with anyone
so I'm in total 
unchartered territory

I feel like I'm starting to understand
why marriages fail.

It's not always the big stuff;
not always infidelity
or financial dishonesty.

it's day in and day out
of the little, nagging shit.

I swear what will do us in
is the godforsaken dishes.

Or the clutter.

Or that he's a major night owl
and sometimes I'd just like to go to bed
with my boyfriend.

Or that I hate my job
and sometimes
I'm pretty unpleasant
when I come home.

It's like how
a slow, constant
drip of water
can crack a boulder.

It'll be the selling of
my happy, fun, sunshiney soul
for the sexless, nagging troll
I feel like I'm fastly becoming.

It'll be too many days
where I don't like who I am.

We slept on opposite sides
of the bed last night.
6 inches of mattress between us
that might has well have been
a cavernous trench full of alligators
the way we stayed on our respective sides.

Oh we'll never go to bed angry
I used to think.

How naive.

The more I stared at his back
the more I wanted to stab him.

And it's been like this
every few weeks
for the last few months.

Perfectly wonderful
days, nights, afternoons
will come to a screeching halt
and there's a bull in our china shop
and I can't tell who the bull is,
but it goes without saying
that there's a clean up in aisle 9.

We keep treading water,
keep apologizing,
and then some other bowling ball of life
tears me down.

We are opposites in a lot of ways
and while that can be an asset,
it can also be a liability,
and the reality of that
is pretty tough to swallow.

Maybe that's why
we're not married.
It's still too scary
to close off that escape route.

I always say no one is going anywhere
that we live on a broad highway,
but I'd be a liar
if I didn't say sometimes I feel
and he looks
like going out for groceries
and never coming back
sounds like a good plan.

I'm pretty sure if Tibetan monestaries
had good wifi
Paul would disappear forever.

I have knots in my stomach
right now.

Not so much because I'm angry
which I still am
but mostly because I don't like
fighting with my best friend.

Relationships are hard.

Relationships with kids are hard.

Relationships with kids and bills
and opposite schedules
and different personalities
are what nightmares
and sitcoms are made of.


  1. I F-ing love this. and (honey) I get it, I feel you, and don't let any filter or post mislead you for a second. Relationships are hard and work and nothing is perfect. Bliss one second and devastation the next. Welcome to the rollercoaster of love. And it is just part of it. and I love how you said this serious, this monogamous is uncharted territory. So good job you for trying and fucking up (is what I say to myself) like, didn't think I'd be here. and then + kids and well, I have no idea what that must be like, in the best and worst ways. So I look up to you I appreciate your honesty, cuz I needed to read this today to know that I am not alone when I try and sabatoge everything that we're working at, cuz I do that. Cuz it's scary and it's not the fucking Notebook.

  2. I second what Daniel said (so perfectly!!!). Sit in the unsavory and then take a deep breath, let it go and move forward. You've got this.