People tell me all of the time
that I'm a good mom
but I don't ever really tell myself that.
I know what our life must look like
from the outside
but I also intimately know the reality.
I know my self doubt,
the feelings of failure that the boys have existed in a two home family,
the rapid fire schedule we keep,
the feeling that there just isn't enough time to just be.
Sometimes my patience is so short.
"Hurry let's go!"
"Get in the shower!"
And then I realize
that I'm the one yelling
and I should be the one stopping
and we're all crying on the floor
because I'm overwhelmed with them
and they're overwhelmed with me.
So Friday I made a promise
on the drive home from work.
I promised myself
and we went to the park
of James' choosing.
and let them do them.
On Saturday I worked until noon
and when I got home
a few water bottles,
some hand sanitizer and warm hats;
A girlfriend of mine
bought us a family pass last April (thanks Adriana!)
which is totally depressing
and proof positive
that I've been running hard
and just went along for the ride.
It was glorious.
Paul brought breakfast over
and the boys sword fought in their room
while we chatted like humans
with our coffee in hand.
I didn't scream once which...unheard of.
and a need for survival.
As the hours became days
held on until fingers were cramped and bloodied,
and then stood up
and started over.
It's been a journey
and a lesson
and a tireless exercise
making a woman out of me.
They are my greatest weakness
and my greatest teachers.
As we piled into the warm train on Saturday,
I went to snap a picture of us
and Lucas said,