Monday, January 14, 2013

A Pact

People tell me all of the time
that I'm a good mom
but I don't ever really tell myself that.

I know what our life must look like
from the outside
but I also intimately know the reality.

I know my self doubt,
the feelings of failure that the boys have existed in a two home family,
the rapid fire schedule we keep,
the feeling that there just isn't enough time to just be.

Sometimes my patience is so short.

"Hurry let's go!"

"Get in the shower!"

"Stop fighting!"

"Stop crying!"

"Stop yelling!"




And then I realize
that I'm the one yelling
and I should be the one stopping
and we're all crying on the floor
because I'm overwhelmed with them
and they're overwhelmed with me.

So Friday I made a promise
to myself
on the drive home from work.

I promised myself
 I would not yell at the boys
and that I would slow down.
All weekend.
No excuses.

So I did.

I picked them up Friday afternoon
and we went to the park
of James' choosing.

I stayed back
and let them do them.

On Saturday I worked until noon
and when I got home
I packed a backpack full of snacks,
a few water bottles,
some hand sanitizer and warm hats;
and we got on the train
to the Natural History Museum.

A girlfriend of mine
bought us a family pass last April (thanks Adriana!)
and I still hadn't used it,
which is totally depressing
and proof positive
that I've been running hard
in all the wrong directions.

I left Lucas to the map
and the itinerary
and just went along for the ride.
It was glorious.

Later that night
we snuggled under blankets with hot tea
and "Lord of the Rings"
and fell asleep together
in my heating pad warmed bed.

Sunday morning
Paul brought breakfast over
and the boys sword fought in their room
while we chatted like humans
with our coffee in hand.
I didn't scream once which...unheard of.

We made it to the mall
and to the Apple store

and then to Grandma's without incident

and the zen was so obvious
my mom even commented
on how calm and happy we all were.

When I was pregnant with Lucas
I had so many ideas about
the kind of mother I wanted to be
and then he came out
and a lot of my mothering
has stemmed from adrenaline
and a need for survival.
As the hours became days
became months and years
I've fallen and scraped my knees,
held on until fingers were cramped and bloodied,
slept less,
then more,
cried and pled
and then stood up
and started over.

It's been a journey
and a lesson
and a tireless exercise
in these two little boys
making a woman out of me.

They are my greatest weakness
and my greatest teachers.

As we piled into the warm train on Saturday,
the doors closing off the frigid, biting air,
I went to snap a picture of us
and Lucas said,
"Mom...we're in this together!"

Yes love...we are. 

1 comment:

  1. Ever since the Big Bad Wolf left 5 months ago (maybe longer?) I've vowed to not yell. When he lived here there was much terror and fear and....yelling. I've marveled at how easy it is to just BE. To not control the moment or the fights or the mess or the....the......the.

    Keep on keepin' on, sister.