On Marriage

Calm down

no one's getting married any time soon,

let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Had I gotten married at any point in my 20s

it would have been solely because

I wanted to throw a party.

I wanted a wedding

not a marriage.

The idea of forever and ever

was colored by a fantasy pen;

all pretty dresses and flowers

and presents.

Lots of presents.

I finally broke the news to my mom

that the time for elaborate plans

and insanity has come to a close.

If anyone decides to put a ring on it,

it'll be in a backyard

or a forest.

I would say that up until recently

I had no idea of what a relationship was made of

let alone a marriage.

No clue about a partnership

or maturity

or unselfishness.

Me: Party of 1

all day every day.

When I got pregnant with James

his dad made a half-hearted proposal

while I sat on his lap at my kitchen table.

"So...do you want to?"

"Yeah.  I guess."

I spent the next two weeks 

researching elopement

and the Santa Barbara courthouse

and finally decided 

that I just couldn't do it 

without my parents.

And so the idea was tabled until we imploded

and never got back there again.

He didn't want to marry me.

I wanted to marry him,

but only to save face.

Like somehow if I was married

you wouldn't see that I had gotten pregnant accidentally.

Again.

Or that I was in a failing relationship

and it was unraveling 

and I felt like a fraud.

I think about how sure I was that I wanted

to be married to my first love

at the ripe ol' age of 18.

It makes me laugh.

How positive I was that everyone was crazy

when they said 

we'd be completely different people in our 20s

and 30s and so on.

I know a few couples who make it look really easy.

And I also know a few divorcees.

I have nothing but admiration for my friends

who took the leap young,

but I feel pretty far from it at present.

It's seems that the happier I am in my relationship

the less I feel a drive to validate it to others and myself.

Because I see now that all this time

I only saw marriage as a way to show the outside world

that I was loved and worthy

and I don't have to do that right now.

Because I have the blessing of contentment

and it is 

PRICELESS.

And it's way better

than that ridiculous Robbins Bros. ring I picked out

two lifetimes ago.