no one's getting married any time soon,
let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Had I gotten married at any point in my 20s
it would have been solely because
I wanted to throw a party.
I wanted a wedding
not a marriage.
The idea of forever and ever
was colored by a fantasy pen;
all pretty dresses and flowers
Lots of presents.
I finally broke the news to my mom
that the time for elaborate plans
and insanity has come to a close.
If anyone decides to put a ring on it,
it'll be in a backyard
or a forest.
I would say that up until recently
I had no idea of what a relationship was made of
let alone a marriage.
No clue about a partnership
Me: Party of 1
all day every day.
When I got pregnant with James
his dad made a half-hearted proposal
while I sat on his lap at my kitchen table.
"So...do you want to?"
"Yeah. I guess."
I spent the next two weeks
and the Santa Barbara courthouse
and finally decided
that I just couldn't do it
without my parents.
And so the idea was tabled until we imploded
and never got back there again.
He didn't want to marry me.
I wanted to marry him,
but only to save face.
Like somehow if I was married
you wouldn't see that I had gotten pregnant accidentally.
Or that I was in a failing relationship
and it was unraveling
and I felt like a fraud.
I think about how sure I was that I wanted
to be married to my first love
at the ripe ol' age of 18.
It makes me laugh.
How positive I was that everyone was crazy
when they said
we'd be completely different people in our 20s
and 30s and so on.
I know a few couples who make it look really easy.
And I also know a few divorcees.
I have nothing but admiration for my friends
who took the leap young,
but I feel pretty far from it at present.
It's seems that the happier I am in my relationship
the less I feel a drive to validate it to others and myself.
Because I see now that all this time
I only saw marriage as a way to show the outside world
that I was loved and worthy
and I don't have to do that right now.
Because I have the blessing of contentment
and it is
And it's way better
than that ridiculous Robbins Bros. ring I picked out
two lifetimes ago.