Paul is quizzing Lucas
on subtraction flash cards
as I type.
They are getting frustrated with each other
and it is hard not to intervene.
There is chocolate chocolate chip
banana bread in the oven.
James is with his dad until 6pm
and I miss him on quiet, lazy days
when I bake and am totally relaxed.
I wish he was here
to stir and eat and be kissed.
All last week I felt like this video...
Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
I think I was a gypsy
in a past life.
It would explain why
sometimes when life is
really, super good
or really, super hard,
I feel like the roots that ground me
are also strangling me.
A good friend and fellow blogger
wrote last week about "keeping it real"
and I totally understood.
Because so often times
we of the digital age
are inclined to share
a sanitized version of our real lives.
The good days,
the pretty Instagrams,
the laughter and the love and the joy.
Today I can write about the past 2 weeks
because I am no longer in the midst
of the past 2 weeks.
The truth is sometimes
it's really hard to be a mom.
I have one child who is constant energy and opinions
and another who is a crier;
and sometimes I don't like them very much.
The truth is I am in a relationship
with a really great guy,
and I love him and it is so god damn good,
and good and great
are not synonyms for perfect.
The truth is I bear the scars of every non-great guy from before,
and my head is loud and it doesn't always say nice things
and sometimes I have to fight myself
not to burn it all down.
The truth is I suffer from depression
and other forms of soul sickness
and sometimes for no reason at all
I wake up and I am painfully
uncomfortable.
It used to be that if I felt like I was feeling recently,
that I brought everyone else into the ring with me.
I am so glad that that is no longer the case.
I am so glad that I'm not immobilized.
I'm so glad I still managed to do all of this:
Work...
on a boat...
on a beautiful day...
and not throw up.
Spend a Saturday morning...
...finger painting with all three of my favorite guys.
Find moments of sweetness...
...and humor...
...and love...
...and more humor...
...and ice cream.
Pool parties...
...and being thrown never getting old.
Photo booths...
...and night swimming.
Time for warm bread.
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