The Other Side

It's funny that

this post comes immediately after

I publicly professed my love,

but sometimes life is just

like that.

I feel like I come here often

when things are good.

When I'm on the sunnier side,

after the storm has passed.

I guess I'm just more inspired

when I feel that hope

springs eternal.

That fuck yeah!

life's tough

but look at us,

we get through it.

All holding hands and

skipping into the sunset.

But it's not always like that,

sometimes 

it's really shitty 

around here.

Sometimes

I feel like

I'm drowning.

Sometimes

like this morning,

I look at my relationship

and think,

Great. 

One more thing I'm terrible at.

One more thing to fail at.

And everyone else's marriage/relationship

looks so perfect and happy

and some days mine is SOFUCKINGHARD

and I just feel really sad.

Even though

intellectually I know

I'm watching you

through an Instagram filter,

that you are not me

and your partner is not mine,

and your life is not ours,

and if you never fight

and get along splendidly

every second of your life

then I'm jealous

but no,

I can't relate.

I've never been in a serious,

monogomous relationship

as long as I've been in this one.

I've never lived with anyone

so I'm in total 

unchartered territory

here.

I feel like I'm starting to understand

why marriages fail.

It's not always the big stuff;

not always infidelity

or financial dishonesty.

Sometimes

it's day in and day out

of the little, nagging shit.

I swear what will do us in

is the godforsaken dishes.

Or the clutter.

Or that he's a major night owl

and sometimes I'd just like to go to bed

with my boyfriend.

Or that I hate my job

and sometimes

I'm pretty unpleasant

when I come home.

It's like how

a slow, constant

drip of water

can crack a boulder.

It'll be the selling of

my happy, fun, sunshiney soul

for the sexless, nagging troll

I feel like I'm fastly becoming.

It'll be too many days

where I don't like who I am.

We slept on opposite sides

of the bed last night.

6 inches of mattress between us

that might has well have been

a cavernous trench full of alligators

the way we stayed on our respective sides.

Oh we'll never go to bed angry

I used to think.

How naive.

The more I stared at his back

the more I wanted to stab him.

And it's been like this

every few weeks

for the last few months.

Perfectly wonderful

days, nights, afternoons

will come to a screeching halt

and there's a bull in our china shop

and I can't tell who the bull is,

but it goes without saying

that there's a clean up in aisle 9.

We keep treading water,

keep apologizing,

and then some other bowling ball of life

tears me down.

We are opposites in a lot of ways

and while that can be an asset,

it can also be a liability,

and the reality of that

is pretty tough to swallow.

Maybe that's why

we're not married.

It's still too scary

to close off that escape route.

I always say no one is going anywhere

that we live on a broad highway,

but I'd be a liar

if I didn't say sometimes I feel

and he looks

like going out for groceries

and never coming back

sounds like a good plan.

I'm pretty sure if Tibetan monestaries

had good wifi

Paul would disappear forever.

I have knots in my stomach

right now.

Not so much because I'm angry

which I still am

but mostly because I don't like

fighting with my best friend.

Relationships are hard.

Relationships with kids are hard.

Relationships with kids and bills

and opposite schedules

and different personalities

are what nightmares

and sitcoms are made of.