Heart String

I didn't take the boys to school today

because I went in at 5am 

and James was with his dad.

I went to work 

and I made plans for picking them up,

for stopping for dinner,

for an early Christmas with my sister tomorrow.

I made plans I always make

for a tomorrow 

I always believe is guaranteed.

Today...

28 people died.

Initial reports say 20 children.

20.

Children.

I sit here at this computer trying to translate pain 

into pixels 

into words 

on this screen.

A feeble attempt to share my prayers

and my sadness,

my disbelief 

and my horror.

Overwhelming grief

over the sheer barbarity of it.

I don't remember 

how I felt about Columbine.

I was in high school in California 

and that happened in a high school in Colorado

and I just didn't connect.

When Virginia Tech

slashed through the headlines

I was in college,

and up until graduation day 

I'd jump if a door unexpectedly swung open 

while I was sitting in class.

But today...

today was different.

Today was different because 

I am not just a human with a heart,

I am a mother.

I am a mother

who drops off her school-age children

believing they are safe

and that I will see them 

in the afternoon.

I am a mother 

who cannot fathom the unbearable pain

of losing my child in any manner.

I am a mother

whose stomach churns

at the thought of these families

and what they must be trying to process.

Something happens when you become a mother.

It's as though your heart grows arm and legs 

and wanders off into the world unprotected,

becoming an achilles heel.

And you tie yourself up to every child 

and every mother,

and their pain becomes yours.

Because that could be you,

because that could be your child.

Dear Newton, CT,

May your terror and sadness be met with love and light,

may peace and comfort find you,

and may joy reach you again some day.

xo.